When Anger is the Right Feeling…

The Hot Mess to Awesomeness Podcast has ALWAYS been about amplifying women’s voices. And about highlighting the tenacity, capacity and resilience of women. In the early days of the pandemic I felt compelled to speak with and support women, who like myself, were struggling to find their way through so much uncertainty.

Over the past 2 years my mission, and reason for showing up every week, has deepened to include my need to shine a light into the dark places where so many women feel alone.

The women I get to speak have, or are, facing uncertainties and unknowns involving

1. Trauma
2. Sovereignty
3. Race
4. Autonomy
5. Anatomy
6. Motherhood
7. Mothering
8. Flourishing
9. Authentic living

And how they learned to thrive through the hot mess oppressive conditioning that for generations has normalized the debasement of women.

Right now, I’m shocked by whats happening in the US (re: Roe v Wade) I’m overwhelmed with emotion and reminded that in these moments when rage wants to take over, if I want to make a difference I must focus on what I can do then go and do it.

I’m not famous my words won’t ring out in political arenas (anytime soon) but I have a voice and today I offer it here for anyone who feels powerless against the patriarchy.

 

My story is unique and I know shared by many.

I played the role of the “good girl” for a long time. And the constant negating of ME for the good of everyone else, led to years of feeling like I wasn’t …

1- Good enough

2- Worthy without giving part of myself away

3- And Powerless in almost every area of my life.

 

I spent decades focusing on  how I was failing at doing enough, pleasing enough, being worthy enough and sadly I missed out on celebrating all the ways that I am in fact fucking AWESOME!

 

Have you felt the depths of this failure?

Endured constant bad mouthing from inside your own head and are exhausted by always trying to do more?

You are not alone contrary to how they want you to feel!

Saying that reminds me of the scene in Harry Potter when Harry comes back from the tri-wizard tournament, Cedric is dead and no one believes him that Voldemort is back! And Luna tells Harry that she doesn’t think he’s crazy, and that if she was Voldemort she would want him to feel alone because…

Then it would be easier to destroy him!

That’s what this reminds me.

The socialized belief that each of us is alone, crazy!

Today, aside of sharing one of the many life lessons from Harry Potter, in this episode I want to share with you the TOP 10 made up, bullshit, unrealistic “good girl” expectations I was conditioned to believe, and failed to “live up to” in hopes that it helps you to define and highlight where some of the bullshit your inner critic stays comes from!

 

1- Do everything and make it appear effortless …Seeing you struggle will make others uncomfortable and that’s not acceptable.

2- Be able to relax on a dime in case there is time leftover after doing everything for everyone else…just kidding there will never be time for you!

3- Be the life of the party AND be humble …It’s your job to make others happy and it helps if you put yourself down in the process.

4- Be smart…but not too smart…People need to know that you can handle everything but they don’t want to feel upstaged in any way…just remember that everyone else’s feeling matter before yours!

5- Be pretty and put-together ALL THE TIME …You’re getting old but that’s no excuse to look old…you’ll need to buy chemicals, devices and possibly surgery to keep yourself attractive and worthy of attention.

6- Be sexy, good in bed and always ready to say yes to sexual advances …Buuuut if you do you’re a SLUT which of course is the worst thing ever soooo good luck with that! Remember it’s your job to make men happy, but men can’t control themselves so figure out how to protect yourself and again…good luck with that…right now we’re working on overturning Roe v Wade to keep those of you we deem unworthy of rising up…I mean to be honest your fucked either way!

7- Be productive, use every minute of the day effectively, don’t waste time …And remember rule #1, make everything you do look effortless (and btw, everything you do must be validated by someone else…a man if there’s one around…or it doesn’t actually count)

8- Be the perfect role model / parent …um no pressure..As a woman on this planet it’s you’re job to create and raise humans…assholes or angels…that’s on you!

9- Manage absolutely everyone’s needs …Even people you barely know…It’s actually best to be 5 steps ahead of everyone… that will help with looking effortless, and make you more attractive/ desirable (By this point I shouldn’t have to remind you that everyone’s happiness is your responsibility)

10- And finally, remember to be all of these things AT THE SAME TIME …I mean come on…how hard could it be…look around (TV, social media) clearly it’s easy)

 

And if that wasn’t enough…

The old white men looking to preserve the oppressive “good girl” rules, followed them up with this nugget of hot shit…

 

“Want to complain or disagree with the supreme “rightness” of these long-held and wildly popular beliefs! Sure go ahead, we know how to deal with that…we have enough power to make it so the the entire world shames and rejects you (even the people you think love you) and we’ll make it so that you feel sad and alone FOREVER!”

 

I lived with these “truths” until I found the courage to shine a light into the dark corner. I brought them each forward and really started to question their validity. I learned to see how f’d up and oppressive they really are. And I was thrown by how deep they were woven into the fabric of my life!

My mind and sense of self were twisted around these beliefs like necklaces that have been knotted and turned in on themselves. 

The act of untangling and pulling everything apart, at first felt slow and impossible…and then, like finally finding and undoing that one knot that leads to freeing every chain…I was finally able to untwist myself from the “good girl” image.

 

Now, after years of healing and reflecting, loving and learning to trust myself

I’ve begun to truly break free from the “good girl” oppressive, patriarchal conditioning that generations have endured. 

I’ve aligning myself with healthy feminine energy, matriarchal energy, befriending my power and surrounding myself with people, who like me, believe there is a better way! 

Together we’re unpacking all this crap and, in case you haven’t gathered from the defiant  and gorgeous energy of this video, I’m here to remind you, your soul, that the “good girl” image you’ve been conditioned to accept and have tried for too long to live into to, is load of made up F’N SHIT! 

 

You can give yourself permission to let go…you’re a grown ass woman, you can choose to stop ingesting the lies we’ve all been force fed, heal from the pain they have caused you and build a new brilliantly beautiful life! 

 

Now is the time to focus on what you can do and go do it.

Believe in something different… something better.

 

And you don’t have to do this alone! Call/Msg ME send a carrier pigeon if you have to…

Together we can re-write the narrative for you, all women and the next generation! 

 

Say YESSSSSS to healing and choosing to believe in your

1. Autonomy
2. Agency and
3. Fucking Infinite Awesomeness!

This is how we each do our small part to #smashthepatriarchy