Have you ever asked yourself “Am I an asshole?”
Ok here are the signs to look for, beyond the obvious trait of intentionally treating others like shit…
You might be an asshole if…
1. You blame + complain more than you don’t
2. You mistreat, speak badly about, negate, your body, mind + soul
3. You’re surrounded by assholes (you know these people…you don’t really trust them).
4. You don’t think to listen to, learn from or love yourself
Are you at risk of being and asshole?
A lot of assholes are super confident that they are right and do pretty much everything to convince others of their “rightness”. They are ruthless and scrupulous in their efforts to prove their rightness as they need to be believed in order to exist. They require constant external validation to stay alive.
Assholes find joy only in the pain of others. Everything to them is a WIN-LOSE situation, where they must always WIN! They believe that others winning will guarantee their loss. They lack compassion and are triggered by shame. They then embrace shame and wield it like a sword piercing the souls in their path.
So are you an asshole?
Chances are pretty good you said “HARD NO!” And you may be wondering how I could even ask such a thing. So here is what prompted my query… my experience with living a dual life; asshole and awesome. So let’s talk about the dual life I think you’re living. The life where you are an asshole, and yet you have hidden it so well, you can’t even see it!
I know you don’t identify as an asshole
So let’s explore that a bit, shall we?!? I get that you couldn’t be an asshole because you are always there for everyone! You give constantly and never take. You are selfless and always make sure people feel good, happy and taken care of. Asshole?
You thrive in situations where compassion is required. People are always asking for your help and you give it freely, no matter what! You would never even fathom the idea of pushing someone down so that you could rise! All you’ve ever wanted is for everyone to be happy! How you could you possibly be an asshole? Right?!?
Now I want you to go back and really read what I wrote…Do you see it? Did your ears perk up a bit when you heard the words in your head? Did your gut drop just slightly?
I know a part of you 100% understands what I’m getting at here…You can see the writing on the wall…the bell has rung in your head…In fact you and I both know that you ARE an asshole!
…to your SELF!
Here is how I know.
You live by the WIN-LOSE mindset…you believe that in order for others to WIN you must LOSE. You believe that other people’s happiness trumps yours and you happily sacrifice yourself for them…believing that this is what will make you happy. (Ummmm does it really?)
You 100% believe that you are doing the right thing by everyone and this ensures you will be appreciated, valued and dare I say… loved…and you will challenge anyone who disagrees with you! With all your heart you need this to be true because it is the only truth you’ve ever known (sound familiar?).
Without the validation from others you don’t know who you are. And you really don’t trust the part of yourself that tries to put you first…your WIN-LOSE mindset along with the need to make others happy, prevents it!
Your capacity for self-compassion registers at about a zero…you show yourself NONE of the same grace and understanding that you freely give to others. You doubt your ability, shame yourself for making mistakes and use your shame to perpetuate your existing belief, that doing for others is the only way to be happy.
Here is what I need you to know
If you feel like you’re surrounded by people who need you to be an asshole to your Self for you to be appreciated, valued, loved…(And I wonder if you really believe that love as authentic?) know that they are simply following your lead. Don’t believe me? Think about it…a part of you you knows that nothing will change, you will not be appreciated, valued and loved for who you truly are until you step out of your Asshole Self and step into your Awesome Self.
You see, how you treat your Self is how you teach others to treat you. If you continue to be an asshole to YOU, then all everyone will ever know, believe, is that ”asshole” is all you deserve. It’s time to make a shift, bust through the limiting beliefs that are acting like a glass ceiling and own your awesomeness!
And a little side note for the parents out there…
You are dealing with the added layer of teaching your children how to treat themselves! Let that all sink in for a minute…Remember that children are excellent mimics and terrible interpreters!
And you can bet that around 8-9 years old, when their brains begin to make logical inferences and abstract thought, AND they are still solidly planted in their own AWESOME SELF, they will question all of the asshole behaviours you’ve attempted to instal in them. Which, if your asshole self is left unchecked, will cause a shame storm in you like no other!
A war will rage, a power struggle between your child’s Awesome Self and your Asshole self will ensue. A battle that will be compounded by the “I’m the parent here” shit you’re likely to spout at them. Your asshole self will do everything to protect itself…including force your child’s Awesome Self to go into hiding, so that you are not reminded that you, are in fact, an asshole!
So what can be done about this?
Is being an asshole permanent? Of course not. Actually the shift is fairly simple. You already have all the skills it takes to be AWESOME, you simply need to believe that putting yourself first and nurturing your awesomeness will in fact enhance your capacity to lift others up. That your authentic happiness will ALWAYS entice, encourage and empower others to locate and live inside their own happiness! Bringing you and them UP!
The challenge is to rebuild a trusting relationship with your Awesome Self and feel into your WIN WIN mindset. Believe that living wholly as your Awesome Self, and treating your Self with the same compassion and kindness you’ve always given out freely, will guarantee that those that you choose to surround yourself with will see your awesomeness. (Your vibe attracts your tribe)
Here’s a little inside scoop…
Your Awesome Self plays the long-game…yes there will be great blasts of joy and there will also be epic battles with resistance. Your Awesome Self always chooses integrity, a win-win mindset and love!
And an important note about Resistance
Resistance is your Asshole Self’s secret identity…it may not look as evil, dirty or loathsome…sometimes it may even come to you with gifts, smiles, adoration and pleasure. Don’t be fooled…resistance thrives off of immediate gratification and uses shame and pain just as cunningly as your Asshole Self. Your job is to treat resistance the way anyone with integrity and compassion at their core, treats any bully… Acknowledge what you know to be true, don’t engage in their WIN-LOSE mindset and move on.
The 1 thing you can do today
Before you can really move into full AWESOME mode you need to know what your guideposts are. What is truly important to you. Then use those guideposts to make your day-to-day decisions.
I refer to these guideposts as your Awesomeness Non-Negotiables … others call them your Core Values. Whatever you call them be sure to use them to guide your thoughts and behaviours.
When we are out of alignment with our Awesomeness Non-Negotiables (when we negotiate them) we disconnect from our Awesome Selves and inadvertently become assholes!
Your Awesome Self is waiting for you
It has always been with you. She’s been playing the long game…she is the reason you’ve read this entire article.