Here’s the crazy thing…
I did not have a bad childhood. Growing up I had a lot to be happy about…people who loved me, a roof, food, clothes, hope, money (was available), my parents worked and were (are) good people. I had traditions and holidays, birthday and Christmas wish lists (that were almost always fulfilled). I was encouraged and supported. I was in good health, attractive and I was never without a boyfriend or the opportunity to feel loved. I was very smart, school came easily to me and I was rewarded, appreciated and acknowledged for that. People smiled when I entered a room and all my dogs loved me.
So what the fuck is my problem?
What the hell happened in my mind to bring me to a place where I felt not enough, that I was never going to have enough money, that in order to be happy I needed to stay busy doing, getting, being more? What prompted me to be come an Everything for Everybody woman and lose my Self in the process?
I “should” have been very happy with my life as it played out in front of me. I had opportunities, I went to university. I am employed, I make decent money. I love and feel love in return. I have happy healthy children and a solid roof…plus, plus, plus. My childhood really did give me permission to want more than my parents had and I did the best I could to live up to that. I wanted more than just enough. However I did NOT have the tools and strategies required to figure out how, or to be honest what my enough really was.
“You can have it all Dionne…”
So there’s stuff, stuff that happened to me and around me, the issue is that the stuff is not my story. My story involves how I was able to interpret everything I saw and did not see, heard and did not hear, felt and did not feel. My interpretation of the undercurrent…be successful, be better, don’t fail, follow the path we were told would get you there…the path we were never afforded the chance to take, put your time, energy (and money) where you know it will pay off, you never know when the rug (house) will be pulled out from under you, make use of your talent (your brain), be independent, don’t need anyone, people need you, you are a rock, don’t waste time, stay focused, happiness is dependent on what you do for others, stick with what works, love comes and goes.
The shitty thing about stuff, (which is essentially neutral) is that it becomes our story once we pass it through a series of filters and ideas that we already have rolling around in our heads. Story is how we make sense of experience and the thing about stories is that we like to tell them. We tell them to ourselves whenever we are faced with a new idea or a new problem to solve. We make sense of life through our stories. And the stories we have been telling ourselves the longest (which were created when we were much smaller and knew much less) become the scripts in which we play out our lives. Scripts happen behind the scenes…they help us to reduce the amount of thought we need to give anything and let us move through life seemingly unnerved.
My issue is that the story of my life was created through my interpretation of what was said and not said, done and not done, filtered and not filtered, traumatic and extremely mundane and the lasting script included the narrative of success is bad, please people – your happiness depends on it, cleanliness equals love & money is pain. And so as I continued to strive to “have it all” and “be anything” I was consistently circumvented by the scripts my life was playing out, by the limiting decisions I had made through the creation of my story and the interpretation of the stuff that filled my senses.
“Reach for the stars”…”You can do anything”…does not equal you can do everything (and yet it does). I can do everything as long as I am willing to do what it takes to have it all (without sacrificing my Self in the process…that’s the f’n kicker!) As long as I am willing to create a new story about the stuff I experienced and am willing to do the work to obliterate the scripts, the limiting decisions once made, by deciding something new. Once I am willing to appreciate the give and take, understand what has to be put down so I can focus and attain the other. Balance, which is having it all, is achievable.
Balance is the skill that I did not have.
My parents were not afforded the luxury of “You can have it all” mentality – they did the best they could with what they had…they wanted so much more for me (and my brother) and were not fully equipped to prepare us for what lay ahead. They too did not have the skill of balance.
Okay time to stop sounding all woe-as-me here…
This is where taking responsibility for one’s life comes into play. No I don’t expect that as a kid or even as a teenager I really had the capacity to take responsibility for my thoughts and my actions…again that skill is not one that I was observing or being directly taught. And yet regardless of that, as an adult, it is my choice to see the opportunities that lay before me and as a grown up figure out how I am going to make them work.
The time for blaming my parents or the school system or my job or my lack of X, Y and Z is over. Now I step up and take a hard look at where I am and decide if I want to stay or move. Moving requires stepping way the fuck out of my comfort zone and I have to decide if I am willing to be uncomfortable for a short while in a new way, so I can stop the long-term discomfort of being stuck.
Doing the work to “have it all” including a sense of balance, wholeness and purpose is simple…the decisions that need to be made daily to keep me focused on moving towards what I really want are what cause my inner critic, self-doubt, fear and patterns of disconnection to go berserk.
I had no role-model for “having it all” and so in order to capitalize on the time I was born into, the advantages I was given and the 2 feet and a heartbeat that I still have, I do the work to change and maximize my mindset. I acquire new skills, I seek out ways to question what I already believe to be truth. I listen when others talk. I stay open to growth and I dream wild and crazy dreams. I believe that I am worth all the work and I benefit from the immense amount of positive energy that my new perception has afforded me.
Yes I had a good childhood and from a few experiences that left me with limiting beliefs about love, money and success I remained stalled for a while. Now I look at those experiences with new eyes, the eyes of an individual who chooses to believe and therefore see things differently. Yes I can have anything I want and I am allowed to want, I am allowed to seek and I am willing to do the work to make what I want my reality. And my reality includes positive and healthy exchange with the beings around me (including animals and plants). It includes my values of connection, gratitude and joy which are used as the filters in which all decisions must pass.
My parents and all of the people who influenced me, were a part of my creation of my world. A creation that I can choose to interpret differently, if what I had decided once a long time ago no longer serves me.
So what will I teach my children…
What will I say to them, as I too wish for them to have anything they want…
“Yes honey you can have it all…try everything, flip-flop and do your best to make sense of the world…and through it all listen. Listen to your heart, your gut. Take action on your intuition and seek out activities that help you to hone your listening skills. Ask good questions, seek out new and better problems to solve. Use language that serves you and constantly moves you forward towards your goals of “it all”, whatever that looks like for you. Be true to your reality, the constraints of your body, time and space, and then dream realities that push past those boundaries.Take action. Yes you can be anything if you are willing to do what it takes for YOU to get there. Yes you can have “it all” if you consistently seek out to align with your most authentic self. Your self that vibrates at the highest frequency. Your self that practices gratitude and finds joy in the challenge of good work. Your self who works to align all that you do with your values…doing so will attract all the “everything” you will ever want.”
Believe and you will see. Be willing to take responsibility for your joy and commit to practicing patience and intention, action and faith.
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!
PS Are you looking to create a sense of Balance in your life? Do you know that it’s time to start busting through your scripts and stories and want to see things differently?
Then let’s chat…click HERE to access my calendar and book in a free Connection Call. Let’s get the conversation started, no obligation. Find out if In Her Element Mentoring is right for you!