It’s cold today and my allergies are really reminding me of what Fall (not spring) feels like…me with a perpetual cold as my daughter re-engages with the petri dish we call school. And I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be well. Well in body, well in mind and well … well all over. This of course has been the question of my soul for a few years now and as I sit here in a bar of yester-year waiting to have what will prove to be a fabulous catch-up, reconnect, and soul fulling meeting with a long-time friend, I wonder what the next chapter of my soul-search will be.
I find that I am repeatedly faced with my Self, almost every day actually. I sit and think to myself in the morning…ahhh today is the day that I will have my shit figured out. I will sail through, ride high with my higher self and really “get it”. And of course I fuck up. I let anxiety get the better of me, I yell at my kids because I forgot to eat dinner, I cry (man I am gooooood at that) and I doubt, like full-on “who are you fucking kidding” doubt…especially when I am going full-out such, really putting myself out there. Now the on-looker might think wow she is ballsey…she is really going for it, she is killing (or at least I want to believe that is what they say on the outside).
On the inside I was thinking…
“win a little, lose a little, always have the blues a little”
– (hear Bette Midler singing the Glory of Love from Beaches in your head as I say that …hehe).
I still, every fucking day, find myself looking around at people, no more fabulous than me, making money, really diving in and I wonder if they are winning more than they are losing?
Is that what it is then…
you consistently need to lose in order to win, you need to repeatedly die in order to live.
Wow that is some profound shit…the four sips of vodka must have taken effect. I should hurry up and finish this post before I get to the bottom and start singing Hallelujah in the middle of this restaurant.
What do I need to come to terms with?
What is unsettled within in me?
What part of me refuses to let go?
I think I know…
I am starting to really, I mean really, come to terms with the fact that coaching is my path. Whaaaat Dionne you have been spouting for over a year that you are a coach? Yes, yes I am and I’m happy to casually provide fantastic and insightful support. The deep-rooted part of me that has always been helpful is very, very HAPPY to guide and support others as they move through the transitions of their lives….buuuut to actually coach and HAVE to be good enough to get paid, well that fucking triggers my fear of failure like nothing else I’ve felt before!
So what a shitty place to be…I keep reading about this brutal place of “unknown” that all entrepreneurs live through, looking for guidance from them…and yet nothing they share seems to fit my pain. Funny enough I am starting to find some solace in the Elements of Authenticity work that I am creating for the world.
I have committed to consistently carve out time to do the work…some days I am productive and some days are like the past few, where I spent hours creating graphics to put on webpages that I’m not even sure people will read.
…Feel free to check them out HERE if you are a visual person in need of a picture.
When suddenly I began to feel, really feel within me, the words that I know are true. I recognized that I was transitioning (again) from one identity to another and I knew I had to be patient. Needed to take the time to relax, release the negative energy and blocks that are preventing me from moving forward and reflect on who I really am.
During all of this “realizing” I felt compelled to re-read some of my blog posts…10 in sequence. And I literally saw the ebb and flow of my Self as I moved from Grounding to Movement to Spark and back to Grounding…searching and hoping for the element of Flow. As I create my Self anew (again), I am creating and recreating my identity. And every time I do that, I shift myself back to the Element of Grounding to re-calibrate and orient myself.
So here I am doing my best to re-calibrate, relaxing into it, releasing doubt and negativity and reflecting on who I am meant to be.
As always thank you for being here, being a part of this community.