What does being REAL mean to you? I have been thinking a lot about that since I asked my Facebook friends for some help in naming myself as a coach. Many of them referred to my ability to be real (which I am elated about), and it started me thinking…What is it about me that others find real?
I think it’s the swearing! Fuck Shit Fuck 🙂
I don’t mean that swearing is what makes me real. I think it’s the fact that my choice of language and vocabulary, along with some well placed aha moments, specifically highlights one of my core values which is “don’t allow what others think dictate how you choose to express yourself”.
Over the past few years as I have found myself sharing “who I am” on different platforms, for a variety of audiences, and I have chosen to not shy away from words, thoughts and ideas that I feel truly represent how I see, hear and feel the world around me. I do my best to honestly represent myself, to have courage and be as truthful as possible. And over these past few years I have heard a variety of opinions about who I am and how I choose to express myself; many of them positive and every once in a while I get ones like these…(which have derailed me, started whirlwinds of self-doubt and sometimes induced some much-needed self-reflection).
Does she even hear herself?
Does she have any idea how rude that is?
I mean, is it really necessary?
I’ve seen it done more tastefully.
…makes me feel uncomfortable, uneasy, unsure…
If she isn’t careful she is going to limit herself.
She must not be very…you know…smart.
She needs to learn time and place.
I get it, she is a bit rough around the edges but she needs to control that here.
I wonder if she even realizes she is doing it?
I find her offensive.
Doesn’t she think before she speaks?
And I say…
Fuck that noise!
I know I swear and I absolutely realize the impact it has. I respect that each of us has a different perspective of the world and that for some my words aren’t pretty. In those instances I wonder if it would it be possible for them to respect that I don’t see the world the way they do? I don’t apologize for how others feel, that is their choice, I can’t make anyone feel anything, feelings are created by each person’s interpretation of their experiences and in each person’s model of the world certain words evoke certain negative feelings…I feel the same way about god and should and appropriate. These words evoke a range of negative emotions within me. When a person uses them I recognize that, how I feel is not their fault the fault is all mine. If I want to not feel a certain way about a certain word that another person uses, I can choose to reflect on why I have made a negative connection to that word and then either let that shit go, (so that moving forward, that word returns to being a series of letters placed closely together representing a person’s context and vision of their experience) or, I don’t, and hold on to whatever feeling I associate with it and…well… stay in my comfort zone. Either way the choice is MINE!
The same does hold true for words with positive associations for me like, art, community and entrepreneur, which all evoke a warm whole feeling in me. I don’t often sit and reflect on why I feel good about these words and that when others use them I feel more attracted to them; when I do I am rewarded with the thoughts of personal accomplishments, loving relationships and a sense of empowerment. Maybe I need to do more of that 🙂
Why is it that we often believe that others are in control of the way we feel? Where is the power in a conversation? Who is in control of the feelings and context? Who do we attribute the responsibility to? I find that women often place their worth, their power, their Self, outside of themselves out into the ethereal space or even more to the point in the actions and words of those around them. With thoughts like…
What does their behaviour say about me?
Why do they make me feel that way?
Why don’t they consider my feelings before they…?
What the fuck?!?
Honey no one can make you feel, think or be anything? I understand that the energy people emit can be positive or negative and that can impact us, however we do not need to remain passive blobs just taking in all the energy around us and hoping for the best. We are still in charge of where and how we let all energy (including words) affect us. Being consciously aware of who we choose to surround ourselves with and how we receive what they put out is a start on the path to regaining our REAL power.
I recognize there are times when we are manipulated to think or feel that we don’t have the power, and to be honest society is constantly doing it’s best to remind women of their place. We along with our partners on this planet often live out the patterns that society has deemed appropriate (argh) and often we are the ones responsible for allowing ourselves to be treated as if our worth and our value comes from how and what others think about us and as a result how and what we begin think about ourselves. If we continue to believe that we are not in control of our bodies, our lives, our careers, our thoughts, our behaviours, our destiny, if we continue to give others the power and permission to control what and how we do, think and feel we will continue to not only be slaves but also supporters of a society that deems us less.
Every thought you have, every emotion that you have attached to every thought you have is ultimately a choice. The reality is that we often don’t see that we are letting ourselves be led. Our minds have designed a pretty elaborate system to get us through the myriad of stimuli, bits of information, that bombard our senses every second. One of which is to create patterns of thought and behaviour…when I see this I do…when I hear this I think…when I feel this I react with…These patterns, when created, are connected to emotions that we attribute to our experiences. The mind needs the pattern to ease the navigation of that particular stimulus (or any bit of information kind of like it) so that it can focus on new information. If I already know how to deal with that kind of thing and I have set a pattern, a groove, to follow I don’t have to use any energy to “think” about it when it occurs again in the future.
So here it is…
If you don’t like the way do, think or react to certain things then you need to interrupt the pattern that your mind has created so that you can generate a new (more desirable) behaviour. You need to change how you see, hear and feel all the neutral stimulus that you are receiving (stimulus is neutral, we, our minds, attribute the good, bad, joy and pain). I’m not saying that by doing this you will have the crazy mind power necessary to do shit like walk on hot coals (although if you can already do that…that’s fucking awesome!!) What I am saying is that if you want to walk on hot coals (and not get burnt) you can decide to change how you (and your feet…remember that they are a part of you) feel.
Hey so I’m not Tony Robbins (clearly) and I don’t pretend to know exactly what you would have to do to get to the mind state necessary to walk on hot coals however what I do know is that it IS all in your mind and that in order to get there you must decide that you can. The same holds true for every aspect of your life, you need to decide what you really want then focus all of your energy on whatever that is by creating a picture in your mind of how you want to see, hear and feel it.
There are 90,000 pictures that flash through our minds everyday and each one represents how we see, hear and feel the world….what many of us don’t realize is that we can alter and shift these pictures, our perception, so that we get the vision, sound and feeling we want. We create our own realities by choosing which pictures we focus on.
Okay this is not a post about walking on hot coals, nor is this is a post about my choice of vocabulary it’s a post about being fucking REAL. BTW Did you see that powerful word I just used there…choice…I, as an articulate and powerful women choose to use words, all kinds of them, to convey my opinion and many of the words that I use resonate deeply with a variety of people. How a person chooses to interpret what I say is not in my control. I have no control over whether or not people with think I am funny or rude, brilliant or an idiot. What I can control is what I think of myself, of my words and my behaviour. I do take responsibility for my own behaviour and that means that I do consider the feelings of others…I have no desire to be a part of anyone’s discomfort (as an empath I would prefer that those around me are not in a negative state as their energy directly impacts me). I believe that by honoring myself and being as true and REAL as possible the pure positive energy created by my intention will translate to others in a considerate way.
So here is what I really want to tell you…if you don’t care for my choice of vocabulary (and for some strange reason made it to the end of this post…) I lovingly suggest that in the future you skip my posts, unfriend me, unsubscribe, do whatever you have to do to avoid reading what I write as it will continue to be riddled with words you may not enjoy. I respect that your model of the world does not include my particular brand of awesome and that is okay :). If however, you have chosen to feel a REAL connection to how I choose to express myself then know that I will continue to fill your world with shit that is so awesome it is fucking awesomer!!!
Your REAL friend,
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!
P.S. Let me know what REAL means to you! Click here
P.P.S. my e-book is almost ready…watch for your chance to sign up for your free copy of 5 steps on your journey from perfection to REAL in the next few weeks!