Looking ahead to 2020
Here are 3 BIG barriers I need to overcome to own my awesomeness…
Barrier #1: What if I don’t know what I want?
My longstanding pattern of putting everyone else first and focusing on being appreciated, valued and loved by everyone else (but ME) is a story I no longer choose to live. The habit of bending over backwards for everyone else in my life, kept me completely out of touch with my inner desires. So in order to figure out what I want I know I need to rewrite my story…here goes!
The habit of putting myself last stayed “alive + well” for decades, even in the face of utter unhappiness, for multiple reasons…many of which are deeply rooted in a society that conditions women to not even bother to wonder “Is this all there is?”
Before I ask for what I want I need to believe that I am allowed to WANT and moreover be willing to listen to, learn from and trust my (awesome) self!
Too many of us have no idea what really lights us up! When asked “What do you want?” We trip over the answer finding believing that what makes us happy revolves around making others happy and checking off some imaginary socially acceptable check list!
We struggle with the question, unable to articulate what movement feels great in our bodies or what clothes feel like us, what kind of work doesn’t feel like work or what our ideal quality solo time looks like.
I am tackling this barrier of “not knowing what I want” by focusing on how I want to feel and aligning my thoughts, actions and behaviours with my values…Which I am from now on referring to as My Awesomeness Non-Negotiables!
I know that the work before the work of being able to own my awesomeness is my willingness to believe that I am worthy!
Barrier #2: What if what I want isn’t on the menu?
I was, for many years and possibly to the chagrin of those that knew me best, a “my way or the highway” kind of person. I needed to believe that the way I did things was the way they should be done…The structure and function of this way of thinking kept me safe from the demons that lived in the “willy-nilly” world of change. It took the miracle of children for me to truly learn that the way I’ve always done things or the way that everyone around me does things is not the only way.
Although I had to learn very quickly that infants and toddlers do not give a shit about my schedule or getting the laundry done. I, for a time, fought against their unwillingness to conform to my way like I did with most others that questioned me. And unlike with the non-conformists of my past, I could not cut these little people out (apparently that is quite frowned upon)…so I chose to see things differently.
The road was rough and filled with potholes and sharp turns until one day I realized that the road ahead could be a smooth ride. This aha moment did not magically appear in my mind all by itself…It was bestowed upon me through the stories and women I surrounded myself with.
My ability to manage the dreaded change was to seek out others (whom I trusted…not for their counsel but for their experience). Initially I just needed to know that I wasn’t alone. And as a long standing “I do it myself” thinker, it never even occurred to me to ask these wise folk for help.
Stories are powerful in so many ways and for me it was through the wisdom I gained from the happenstance, real ,messy stories of others that I was truly able to put my fear of change to rest and begin the most important chapter of my life.
Once I decided to have the courage to believe that I could get what I wanted as long as I was willing to see things differently…and I did.
Hearing real life stories from others expands the menu of what’s possible!
Barrier #3: What if I don’t get it?
Short answer… Then I don’t get it.
Long answer… Trust that everything is always working out for me. Play the long-game and rebuild a trusting relationship with my (awesome) self by reframing and refocusing my attention to what is working, how I am moving forward, how my access to resources has improved (specifically the knowledge I gain from the experience), how my goal may need fine tuning in the most beautiful of ways…the realization that I was still playing small and that what I really want is so much more then I ever thought possible.
The reality is we can not predict the future. We can create goals, make plans and then we need to turn our attention to what is actually happening and then decide how we can take advantage of every moment, every ounce of learning, every mis-step and mis-take.
Deciding that I didn’t get what I wanted is really a naive way of looking at the situation…the clock is still ticking, I am always learning and the self-imposed timeline I gave my “want” is arbitrary…The key is to not allow myself to give up while I am still gathering knowledge, energy, people, resources and ideas.
The practice of asking makes it easier to keep asking. And the more we ask, the more we receive.