Sometimes I can’t believe that I have made it here in what seems like a blink of an eye. Does that sound corny? Yes I know it does but recently I have been feeling pretty corny and sappy and all around euphoric about the direction my life has taken. I know how far I’ve come…you see in June of 2015 I had the melt down…You know the one…
For months I couldn’t control my emotions and I felt myself slipping down to a place inside myself I barely recognized.
So right about now you are thinking why would I follow this crazy chick? I think I can answer that question with a bit of the “how” I pulled myself away from the “people-pleaser-perfectionist” funk I found myself in, to a place of balance, purpose and wholeness.
I hit my bottom
I blamed others for all of my problems, I drank to feel, numbed myself with social media and hated the shame and anxiety I felt in those all-to-common moments of self-awareness.
All the while…
No one even knew that I was on the wrong side of a breakdown. On the outside I had my shit together, great marriage, 2 beautiful children, a large home close to family, I had a great job with good hours, great pay, excellent benefits. I had just completed my Masters, I had potential and the world at my feet. But what no one could see, was the quicksand beneath them. What I saw looking out was a circle of people suffering from mental illness (including me), a house that was falling apart, a bank account dwindling daily, lack of the right parenting skills, no appreciation for my so-called great job and no light not even a glimmer. I felt friendless and alone and it felt like no matter what I did to “make things better” I just felt emptier and less of my Self.
Until is an interesting word, place, ethereal idea. What has to happen for until to happen, does bottom have to be hit, does pain have to be felt before we get to until. For me it was all of those things topped with the innocuous kind words of a passerby. Me: “I have always wanted to do what you do”. His reply (warm, caring and calm, like a beam of light to my buried and hidden soul):
“Then you should do that.”
In that moment and almost every one afterwards I felt like a free person. That my until had finally arrived. Not until I woke up, until my soul was finally able to break through the concrete I had encased it in. Not until I let go of the bars I put up around me, not until I was ready to hear what my soul had been saying for years, was I able to see the light. Not until I was able to take responsibility for my life and take action that aligned with mattered to me the most…authentic connection…to others and myself!
What I have come to understand…
Is that the light, my authentic self, my soul, will always show me the path and each time I choose to follow the light it grows brighter, until that day when the clarity of my life becomes beautifully blinding. The light is there. It has always wanted to shine. I chose not to see, not to feel. I left it buried, safe and powerless. Now what I can offer as an open, vulnerable and willing human are my words as a caring passerby, my insight and love for your until moment.
I believe that nothing can happen until it can.
And I want to be there to witness the glory of your moment, your awakening, your rise from darkness and fear of the unknown, to the wondrous moment when the light of truth finally breaks through. I have no success secrets to sell you, I have no quick fixes to offer. I have my heart and my passion for humanity. Because my deepest desire, my deepest and most treasured core value is connection. I am here, given a gift…my voice, my willingness to be vulnerable and the chance to connect with you and be present as you embrace your purpose-driven life filled with JOY.
So yes that might sound corny and sappy but trust that what I can offer is real and full. Deep and meaningful. I am a card-carrying introvert with some well-practiced extrovert skills. I get you. I see you. I am you. We are in this together!
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!