Not Until


Photo: Woman on Fire (C. Aikins, 2016)

Light (2)Sometimes I can’t believe that I have made it here in what seems like a blink of an  eye. Does that sound corny? Yes I know it does but recently I have been feeling pretty corny and sappy and all around euphoric about the direction my life has taken. In June of 2015 I had the melt down…you know the one where for months I couldn’t control my emotions and I felt myself slipping down to a place in myself I barely recognized. So right about now you are thinking why would I follow this crazy chick? I think I can answer that question with a bit of the how I pulled myself away from the “pleaser-perfectionist” funk I found myself in, to a place of peace, positivity and grand self-worth.

I hit my bottom, I blamed others for all of my problems, I drank to feel, numbed myself with social media and hated the guilt and anxiety I felt in those fleeting moments of self-awareness. 

All the while no one even knew that I was on the wrong side of a breakdown. On the outside I had my shit together, great marriage, 2 beautiful children, a large home close to family, I had a great job with good hours, great pay, excellent benefits. I had just completed my Masters, I had potential and the world at my feet, but what no one could see was the quicksand beneath them. What I saw looking out was a circle of people suffering from mental illness (including me), a house that was falling apart, a bank account dwindling daily, lack of the right parenting skills, no appreciation for my so called great job and no light not even a glimmer.

Not until…until is an interesting word, place, ethereal idea. What has to happen for until to happen, does bottom have to be hit, does pain have to be felt before we get to until. For me it was all of those things topped with the innocuous kind words of a passerby. Me: “I have always wanted to do what you do” (speak publicly). His reply (warm, caring and calm, like a beam of light to my buried and hidden soul): “then you should do that”. In that moment and almost every one afterwards I felt like a free person. That my until had finally arrived. Not until I woke up, until my soul was finally able to break through the concrete I had encased it in. Not until I let go of the bars I put up around me, not until I was ready to hear what my soul had been saying for years, was I able to see the light.

What I have come to understand is that the light, your authentic self, your soul, will always show you the path and each time we choose to follow the light it grows brighter until that day when the clarity of your life becomes beautifully blinding. What I can offer as a speaker are my words as a caring passerby, my insight and love for your until moment. I believe that nothing can happen until it can and I want to be there to witness the glory of your moment, your awakening, your rise from darkness and fear of the unknown, to the wondrous moment when the light of truth finally breaks through. I have no secrets of success to sell you, I have no quick fixes to offer. I have my heart and my passion for humanity. So yes that might sound corny and sappy but trust that what I can offer you is real and full. Deep and meaningful. I am a card carrying introvert with some well-practiced extrovert skills. I get you and I know what it takes to make it through the shit that you are up against. If you are feeling this vibe then welcome to my tribe. This is going to be amazing!! 

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