I have been really settling into this growing period, and learning how to make connections to parts of myself I had chosen to forget. I have noticed that as I continue to put my energy where it wants to be…inside a book I get unbelievable urges to write. I have known for a very long time that journaling in the morning is cathartic for me and I learn deep and profound details about myself in those few hours every morning. I recognize that as I write hidden and guarded parts of myself feel safe to rise up and give me all I need to ease whatever unsettled feelings I may be having.
Writing is therapy for me
What I didn’t quite make the connection to, was that writing is an integral part of how I learn. It is how I make a physical connection between the new, yet to find their home, thoughts to my existing robust self and infuse new information into the mass of neurons occupying the space behind my eyes. The next realization I came to I think may incite some of you to utter “umm Yeah!!”… Is that my art, which is the creative expression I need to go through after any period of learning, is often variations of written words.
Writing is how I see the world
I am filled and emptied simultaneously when I write. I feel infused with energy and purpose while I expel the essence and vulnerabilities that make me human. It is during this period of movement and growth that I have started to recognize a deep change.Perhaps more than a change it is a deep sense that I am able to make connections with my inner most self.
Writing is how I connect
During a moment of frantic realization, where I was writing furiously on scraps of paper, I had the good sense to hop on Amazon and buy 5 books that spoke to me. I know not everyone has the same sense of joy when they “pop on” Amazon…depending on your reasons for a purchase frenzy…for me I felt compelled to tap into, and lose myself in the words of mentors and experts who are knowledgeable in areas that I knew I needed to explore.
When the books arrived I picked up the first on Boundaries…an area I need to do a lot of fucking work in and as I began to read it I started to feel an intense sense of dread. The core topic for this book on boundaries specifically relates to women, personal space and how to set boundaries with men to avoid being touched, assaulted and hurt.
This book touched on a part of my story that I have not managed to bring to the forefront of my consciousness…I’ll share with you now that as a part of my insecurity, shame and a myriad of other reasons, as a teenager I spent a great deal of time trying to find love by willingly making decisions that I knew were wrong. And each time I did I convinced myself that this what I needed to do to keep a boyfriend, be popular, live up to my reputation, show em’ I didn’t give a fuck, fit in, be unique, feel, not feel…the list of excuses is long and painful.
Pain which I have yet to fully accept and for that reason I could not get past page 3 of the book on boundaries, I am still ashamed of who I was, what I did and what I thought.
I am not that person today and yet, I guess I am.
I recognized the minute I literally buried the book under a stack of other books, cover down, that I needed to buy that book on boundaries, not to read it but to find out that I can’t. Not reading it allowed me to make connections to something, that although still hidden, now is at the very least, known.
The journey that I am on, to live my most authentic life, is long and without defined destination and as I continue to do the work I need to do and continue to become the women I long to be, I will also continue to face fears, shame and doubt. I know that I have yet to forgive the teenage girl I was and reading 3 pages of that book opened my eyes to what I need to address in order to do so.
The next book I devoured and absorbed an exorbitant amount of information from. I spent every waking minute reading, forgoing art and on a morning I got up “late” I chose to read instead of write. No big surprise to me…the book was on understanding and overcoming shame (thank you Amazon).
The third was a unique combination of the two first books…
A book outlining a wonderful women’s experience from perfect to present…and her ability to make connections.
… I was ready to cozy up with her and nod along, cringe and take notes. The first few chapters were exactly that…with her definition of false-relaxing the most profoundly eye-opening thing I had read in a long time. Throughout she often mentioned God and peace, prayer and faith and as a women just opening up to the idea of spirituality (and very far removed from the idea of God) I replaced the word God with universe (as I had when I read Julia Cameron’s work).
My spiritual self felt comfortable with that.
Then halfway through the book she began to go deeper into her connection with God and her faith in such a way that the word universe could no longer cover up my discomfort. Like the first book when I gained a greater self-awareness from reading the painful stories of other women, reading about this women’s (very positive) relationship with her faith for some reason did not sit well with me. Not reading this book is how I was able to make connections to my Self.
I began to feel that I could no longer relate to her experience and I tried to simply skip and skim, to no avail. What is it about the word or idea of God that makes me uncomfortable? I have yet to figure that out and again I believe that owning this book and sensing its value, which due to my own limitations am not able to wrap my hands around, causes me to think that my connection to spirituality is another area that I will need to explore on my journey.
And yes the fourth is proving to be just what I needed to fill the void the previous book left…focusing on strategies to live a wholehearted life… I get the sense that what I will gain from this book will be integral on my path to understanding my deeply rooted blocks.
Why buy a book if you’re not going to read it?
To make connections, the connections we need to make to answer our unaskable questions (which btw, are not always found “inside” a book!)
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!