Right at that moment when you think you should give up and quit, if you can find the strength to push through, that is when the magic happens!
Maybe that is what was happened to me. A short time ago, I felt like I had won the lottery and I saw great things coming my way. Then, I hit a big wall and found myself screaming at my children, (like that blood curdling shit that people might call the police about) and then crying uncontrollably in the bathroom, naked, because I barely had time to get dressed anymore. I was sick with that ridiculous cold that is going around and I had to use every ounce of energy to crawl out of bed for work.
I barely got out of bed in time to get ready, let alone spend any quality “me time” journaling or creating art. I was low. Like that kind of low I hadn’t felt since before my hysterectomy, like that deep clinical type low. I found myself looking at my very detailed and ignored “happy planner” and getting so discouraged that I… “poor me, poor me, pour me a drink!”
Then I poured it down the drain…well the third one anyway.
This battle I seemed to have be fighting with fear and self-doubt was a doozy. Just when I thought I had won the battle, I was reminded that the war is not over! I let down my guard for just a minute, I let my soft spot show and it took aim. I spent a fair bit of time wondering if the answer is to never show vulnerability? Luckily for me… I know better!
I believe the answer is to lean in a little harder, show your tender underbelly and run as fast as you can directly at the enemy. You’re bound to get some bumps and bruises along the way, but the moment you meet the beast face-to-face you will see how small and insignificant it really is.
Vulnerability is strength
The battle is necessary to remind us that our dreams are worth fighting for. And in that moment when you face the fear eye-to-eye you will stare it down into submission (until the next time). The wonderful thing is, when you meet again, you will remember how empowered you felt in this moment. You will remember that when you feel like you can’t, like you shouldn’t, like you aren’t enough, you will know that giving all you’ve got to that last push will reward you with everything you need.
I needed to breakdown, to find myself crying in the arms of the man I love, to remind myself that this is not the first time (or the last) that fear has tried to bust down my door.
It was time to decide what I truly wanted and go and fucking get it! To realize that I had not been talking shit for months, I had been moving in the right direction. This particular battle with fear and doubt just knocked me on my ass and apparently just hard enough to knock my head out of it. All of a sudden all of the Mindset training I have done and the wise words of my own mentor became real.
The key is to focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want…and although I had been reciting it, writing it, even preaching it to others I still had yet to really see myself do it wholeheartedly. In my last conversation with my mentor, I could see that I had been continuously turning myself back towards my comfort zone, back towards the pain I was familiar with in order to avoid the new pain of fear, uncertainty and doubt.
To know what you want and know that the path lays before you, yet be unable to find the strength to keep taking steps forward, is fucking exhausting. The familiar is magnetic, and me a willing metal pole…I was easily pulled back.
This aha moment doesn’t really mean shit unless I followed through. “So What?!? Now What?!?” On this particular stretch of my journey I had begun to actually execute on the “Now What”, by building strategies to aid in my own success. I started the tasking that was asked of me by my mentor (good first step I think). I also re-visited my mind map/vision board and started to reverse engineer the big goals…Branding, Book, Website, Blog, Social Media, Coaching, Art (Painting, Poetry, Lettering), Family, Health and Wealth.
Starting with the question what does my life look like in 5 years from now and then using backwards design, I decided what needs to happen just before I attain my goal, and then just before that and just before that…so on and so on, until I am back to today. I have begun to clearly see the steps I need to take today, to make the huge differences I want to see five years from now.
I want my entrepreneurial income to be double my current J.O.B. income. I want to travel with my family a minimum of 6 times a year, visiting the people I love, often! I want to experience life on multiple continents starting with this one. I want to be fully present in my husband and children’s lives, as well as in my own. I want to bask in the glow of my own effort and build as many beautiful, positive, authentic relationships as is humanly possible.
I don’t want much, I simply want all that I have, plus the
time, money and energy to take it all in!
I want this for you, I want this for everyone.
This is a huge part of my WHY! In the same way that I want and need supportive people to keep me facing the right direction, towards what I really want; I know I am that person for many women out there, who feel the angst I have felt, see possibility in their futures and hear the song I’m singing.
Bringing out the best in others is how I find the best in myself. I see you, I feel you and I can definitely hear you! We are in each other’s lives for this reason: to build a community of empowered women who struggle and fall and always lift each other up.
I am not perfect.
Ya hear that Big U, I am not fucking perfect and I think it’s about time that I focused on what I can do and not the alternative.
Great things are on the way and I am ready.
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!