So this happened yesterday morning…although I believe the events, (the ones inside and outside my head), over the past few days, weeks even, had been working their way up to it. On its own…the moment is nothing, barely a blip on the day-to-day radar, but in that small moment I made a huge decision, one that maybe I have made before and didn’t realize the significance so I had to make it again, so that I could be aware of the grand impact of my own thoughts…anyway here it is.
Ten minutes after I woke up I stubbed my toe!
… I know right…riveting shit! Yep stubbed my toe, it fucking hurt, I winced, I swore (shocker) and I hobbled a few steps cursing the world. The day had already been set up to be a crazy day, we were hosting our first all kid b-day party for my daughter’s 5th birthday…12 children…yes 12…and I think you know me well enough now to know that that spiked my anxiety level! Fortunately the party was NOT held in my home…oh the horror of that! We hosted it at a local play area that my daughter is completely in love with. It has a great outdoor area and the kids were able to run off all the sugar I gave them! Up until that morning they were calling for thunderstorms (insert anxiety peak) so up until the wee hours of the night before I was planning “Plan B” activities that could be done inside (and shifting the meal plan to include broccoli instead of candy!). Turns out the rain didn’t come so the kids were able to run around and do what kids do best the entire time!
So back to my aching toe…in the midst of my cursing and bitchiness I couldn’t help but say out loud “Oh it’s going to be this kind of fucking day! I knew it! I bet it will rain anyway. This is totally ruining my “me time” this morning! I bet I won’t get to any of the stuff on MY to-do list because I will be dealing with other people’s shit all day! Why does this shit always happen to me?!?”
Yep I said all that and I’m glad I said it out loud, because in that moment I could hear how absolutely ridiculous I sounded!
For over a year I have been spouting out inspirational memes and sharing stories of my connection to the positive energy of the universe and then one single stubbed toe had the power to practically derail me for an entire day maybe longer…I called bullshit on myself! I actually started to laugh at how easy it was to succumb to little evil voice inside (especially when I hadn’t had coffee yet).
Wow this being positive shit is hard work!!!
As I replayed my serious injury in my head and gave myself a few moments to really think about what was happening to me physically, mentally and emotionally I remembered that authenticity is not a place, it’s a journey. I realized that…
I may strive for an authentic positive life for the rest of my life, and although that may seem like work, it is the ultimate in work that doesn’t feel like work!
So here is what I did…I yelled “STOP IT!!! Okay, Okay, Universe I’m awake!” Which made me laugh out loud! (Click here to see why :)) I closed my eyes took 3 deep breaths and then paid attention to the thoughts that bubbled up in my head. What I saw, what I felt, was not only the anxiety from my party planning but also the anxiety I had created from being sucked into the social media vortex more often than I would have liked over the past week. I noticed myself checking Facebook when I could have been writing, reading, cuddling, breathing. I noticed that I was attaching my worth to the number of likes on my Instagram posts instead of connecting myself to my reasons and inspirations for writing. I obsessively checked my blog subscribers on MailChimp while I thought to myself “What if I use up all of my good writing when I don’t have a huge following…what if people start showing up and I can’t create anything worth reading!” Ahh the dreaded Bertha made yet another candid appearance…seriously FUCK OFF!
Another few deep breaths to clear the negative thoughts that bubbled up, big huge exhales where I envisioned all of the garbage that Bertha had tried to make me believe just floating out away from me and disappearing forever. To all of you reading this now and those who have read my work in the past, to those that have shared my thoughts, thought on my thoughts and moved the positive energy that I have shared with them out into the world…
I’m sorry for doubting you, for doubting myself.
I would like to promise that it wont’ happen again, but the reality is I know that it will. I am likely going to throw another kid b-day party that raises my anxiety to obscene levels, I will for sure stub my toe again and I know that Bertha will bust through the positive force field I am doing my best to create. What I can promise is that I will remember. I will remember why I write, why I create, why I breathe.
I will remember that although my purpose is not to change your life, it is to share my life such that we become intertwined forever.
WOW that’s some deep shit!! I must have stubbed my toe harder than I thought!
My journey through the mire of this week does not end here but the lesson I learned from stubbing my toe was totally worth sharing!
I wish you all an accident free week 🙂
P.S. If you are interested in hearing more about the saga that is my life 🙂 Please subscribe to my blog (either top right or at the bottom of the page you are reading) and I will do my best not to obsess over whether you did or not 🙂