I had no idea what I didn’t know when I didn’t know it…duh…of course. It is actually not a secret at all that the shit the The Secret talks about, the Law of Attraction and about manifesting the life you want by focusing specifically on what you really want, is real, and yet for a very long time it wasn’t to me. I had no idea that energy follows intention and that action, no matter how small, leads to results. That by creating good daily habits I could naturally create the life I wanted. And that negative thoughts and positive thoughts can not coexist so by focusing on an attitude of gratitude I could interrupt any negative patterns I had set for myself…yes I’m aware that I probably just quoted most of the popular success memes..and I think there is a reason for that…that shit gets quoted and re-written and re-jigged like crazy because its true.
Over the past week I have been really settling in to the life that I have been working so hard to create and I am seeing some really amazing shit happen. Ideas and wants that I clearly defined, wrote down and worked hard to make real, literally happened this week and holy fuck I freaked out!
This manifest your life shit really works…wow!
Then the craziest thing happened…on Wednesday I experienced some of the most amazing realizations, conversations and some really great opportunities fell into my lap and then the next day I crashed. Lets call it an awesome hangover…an overload of awesome and positive energy that I got drunk on and then my body went in to shock. I am not sure exactly how to explain it, it wasn’t that any of the positive energy from the day before had left me, it was that it just wasn’t as awesome as the day before. Which of course caused me to start to doubt what had happened the day before, like it hadn’t happened at all…
I allowed myself to completely forget that I have been working towards bringing this life together for over a year, consciously. Actually I have been doing it for most of my life, in one way or another, unconsciously (whenever I got out of my own way long enough to accomplish a creative or innovative task before being consumed by self-doubt and fear). I allowed myself to believe that Wednesday’s awesomeness was a fluke, an accident, something completely out of my control. I let myself forget that I have the power to create the life I want and that I have been wielding that power for a long time;
Wednesday was actually a representation of all of my hard work not an accident that happened in spite of it.
Did you know that I spent most of my life focusing on what I didn’t want, all the while thinking I was moving myself forward. I went to school I put in the time, money and energy into my future and then I spent more time stuck on where I was and where I had been then I ever did on making real goals for my future. Oh for sure I wished I had more money, traveled more, had a better body, had a maid, had self-sufficient people in my life (read: didn’t have to take care of other people’s shit) but each of those wishes came in the form of a negative thought…I wish I had more money than I do now because now I am living paycheck to paycheck and won’t ever have enough, I have no savings, I can’t buy what I want, I wish I could lose 20 pounds, 30 pounds, I wish I had more muscle and less fat, I wish my body looked like it did before kids, which of course it won’t, ever! I wish Dave and I could spend more time traveling, but we don’t have the same days off so it’s to hard, the time just isn’t there, I wish …
Do you see that?
Do you see what I was doing there?
Do you see the problem with my old thinking? Do you see the nos and can’ts, won’ts? Holy shit they were everywhere. Actually there was not one wish or desire in my life that wasn’t shrouded in what I didn’t want.
It’s no big surprise then that I stayed stuck in a life of impossibility.
I never put my attention or focus on what I really wanted, not on what I did not want. Don’t get me wrong I should have known better I am a highly educated mother-fucker with a significant amount of knowledge of how the brain works. And yet I never made the connection between my mind and my brain. Ya I see the ridiculousness in that…now! I had no idea that I was actually in charge the entire time. That I was the one holding me back from a life of abundance and success. That I was the one that had decided to live a half-life, to live a not quite livable life.
Today I work hard at bringing about shit that makes me happy, that makes me feel whole and real and like I matter, and I gotta tell ya, it is not easy. It’s not like you just get up one day and decide that you will decide that deciding to be happy is fucking easy. When you have been in a pattern of negativity, even when you perceive it as survival or what is necessary to “get ahead”, it can be difficult to change those thought patterns and start fresh. Getting to a place where you are actually in control of your own life, where you take 100% responsibility for and are accountable to every one of your experiences is NOT easy. It’s hard, but the hard is what makes it great. (and realize that it is only as hard as you decide it will be…the key is giving yourself permission to decide). When I finally gave myself permission to decide that I was in charge. When I allowed myself to focus on what I do want everything changed.
I have been working hard at changing the thought patterns and making a new reality for myself and last week all of my hard work caught up with me, so to speak. What I believe happened during my awesome hangover is that on Wednesday I had experienced a rush of positive energy layered with actually tangible results that I just wasn’t used to it. I remember sitting discussing it all with my husband and I could feel the energy literally surging through me as I spoke about my day and I actually said out loud “This feels unbelievable…I am totally not used to this. I want my entire life to feel this way sprinkled with quiet down time”.
Ahhh holy shit there it is!!!
Do you see it to?
I did it again!
Not until just now (as I write this down, right here) did I realize that I also manifested my hangover the next day! Holy shit this stuff really does work. There at the dinner table on Wednesday night I said out loud that I want to have a life filled with this intense energy and I will need to have periodic days of quiet solitude to recharge myself…that I was not equipped to function on all cylinders all the time. Whether or not that is true I made it true and on Thursday; I found myself taking one giant step away from my tasking to take a rest. I didn’t actually give up, or give in, I did not feel like I was abandoning my Self, although self-doubt did creep in…I realize now that I simply took a step back and literally got some sleep.
How is it that in writing a piece about manifesting your intention I missed the fact that that is exactly what I did. The mind is a beautiful and wondrous place. I am so grateful for the opportunity to write as I clearly process my mind through my words. Thank you for being such a crucial part of this reflective experience. I appreciate you coming along for the ride. Wow! Fuck! This shit is real!
Okay enough about me…can we talk about you for a second? Are you hearing me? Feeling me here? Can you see it, the fact that WE are in charge of your OWN lives. You have the power to decide if your life will suck or not. YOU YES YOU! Your mind is a powerful thing and it will bring about everything you focus on…so why don’t you simply focus on what you do want…it’s your choice, really it is. Choose now to live the life you want. Choose now to remove the nos, won’ts and can’ts from your wishes.
Now that you know that you are in charge will you be choosing to live a half-life, a not quite livable life or a life that dreams are made of?
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!
P.S. You can do this!! If you need some help getting on the accountability train fire me an email here! I am more than happy to help my fellow recovering perfectionists on their journey to authenticity!
P.P.S. I will be launching my e-book 5 steps on your journey from perfection to REAL very soon…stay tuned I am soooo excited!!!!
P.P.P.S. I am so grateful for all of your support. If you think anyone may benefit from my crazy ass words of wisdom please share this post through your favorite social media channel using the links below.
This community of awesomeness starts with you!!!