I just can’t, for the fucking life of me, pull my eyes away from everybody’s happy highlight reels fast enough.
As I watch the highlight reels roll by, I almost instantly start to feel like I am lagging behind. It used to be about seeing people who looked better, had better stuff and were better parents; comparing myself to them would cause me to spiral into a pit of self loathing. To combat that awfulness I found positive outlets for my creativity and desire for knowledge. Which worked beautifully. Yet this tactic seems to have back-fired slightly. As a means to distance myself from people who have and are things I don’t “really” I have been friending a lot of artists, coaches and entrepreneurs lately, which is very exciting as I have long since craved to be a part of a community of like-minded brave awesome women.
I have enjoyed meeting new people and getting to see what their businesses are all about…here in lies the rub. Business people, entrepreneurs, are in essence looking for the sale (we all are…not a bad thing simply a reality) and along with their offers and special groups they share their highlight reels with me and their other “friends” on Facebook. Which has been lovely and a bit shallow at times.
I don’t know these women and although they seem pleasant and their products are…okay STOP IT! Here it is, the way I am feeling has nothing to do with anyone else. This is all about me… really Dionne…c’mon…
How many times do you need to project your shit on other people before you realize that it is always about your own fears?
The reality is I’m afraid. I’m afraid to distance myself from the highlight reels, from the need for “likes” because I am afraid to really do the work. Even my daily commitment to art…oh yeah that… I can dress that shit up as “me time” and “necessary to keep my soul uplifted”…because sure it does all that, and it also takes up to 2 hours out of my day. Time that could periodically be better spent building my own business; setting myself up to engage more frequently and authentically on social media. Doing the work necessary to attract more clients and then actually start helping them. Annnddddd to be present here for you!
Okay I’m done with this particular fear…
time for it to fuck off now.
I have been using social media to mask my fear of success.
By succumbing to the “worthless” feeling (I let myself feel) as I watched other people’s lives pass me by, I was simply giving into that fear. Now I say Fuck That Shit!
For now at least… because let’s be honest…this shit keeps coming back over and over again…the goal has to be
not to eradicate the fear, but to lessen its effect over time.
Last time it took me months (maybe even years) to really face my fear of success…this time I think I am down to around a few weeks.
I am removing the Facebook app from my phone…
and literally scheduling 1 or 2 specific times throughout the day to check my social media accounts…most likely in the morning.
Not because I want to interact less but because I want to interact more and more purposefully.
I want there to be dedicated social media time in my day. Time when I can fully commit to my community of like-minded brave awesome women. Time I can carve out to create and share of myself for the value it brings me, not the value others show with a thumbs up. So there… I am saying this shit out loud. It’s official, I am a human being with a shit-ton of fears that I often try to wrap up with distractions, busyness and incessant mindless scrolling through social media.
Time to take my own advice and reflect, reconnect and recreate my Self.
As always, thank you for being here.
It means a lot to know that I can share these experiences with you,
my like-minded brave awesome friends!
All good things are rooted in love, laughter and learning!