As I sat there at 5:46 am enjoying my coffee I was utterly amazed. Even in my sleepy state, sitting by the dim lamplight of our sun-room, before the sun was up to do its job, I could tell, feel, that I was different. About a month prior I began a journey, ok that’s not entirely true I had been on this journey for years, but more recently, through a series of happenstance events I found myself reading a self-help book and against my “
better” judgment was lapping it up! The Success Principles by Jack Canfield, you know the Chicken Soup for your Soul guy! He happens to be a friend/colleague of a man I befriended recently. Forrest, my friend, brought me a signed copy of Jack’s book right before I went on leave to have my hysterectomy and since I had the time, I picked it up and from that point on I haven’t looked back. Jack might say the Universe provided me with exactly what I was open to receiving, I am not as sure that is exactly it but just in case…Thanks Universe you’re the Best!!!
However during that week I had felt a loss in momentum, most likely attributed to my return to work where I often find the routines of my job caked in negativity, hard to break from. I tried to stay true to my Self by practicing the principles laid out for me, I knew that it was the time to re-engage, to re-tell, re-write and re-live, to take the time, before the world wakes up, to tell my story. First thing that morning, before my coffee had kicked in and I could get my fingers to hold a pen, I was re-reading some of the notes I had taken during the first few days of reading my new book, when I came across this statement, “I forgive me, time to move forward and change. The change is going to be epic!!!” It was at that moment that I knew that it was time. So here you are world this blog is the story of my journey. My secrets to living undivided as a creative mom scientist; I want all that life has to offer, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it and happily I now understand that I don’t have to be perfect at everything to feel successful.
I feel that my book being signed by Jack had some type of power or energy that made reading it a more spiritual experience…signed book, marketing strategy or simply human nature but for some reason I felt connected to Jack in a spiritual way, like since he knew my name he somehow was speaking directly to me.
They say begin at the beginning, but where the hell is that? Was it during my conscious thought about change that month? Was it a few years back when I finished my narrative thesis and acquired my Masters? Was it when I had kids or further back when I met my husband? Was it during my 6 years as a lesbian? My parent’s divorce? During my teenage years where I was the queen of making poor decisions in search of love, stability, something? Was it during my early years when I was practically perfect in every way? Does it go as far back as my birth, or even further back then that? How can I know? Well I think there was a beginning and an end to each of those times in my life. Stories within my story. I am grateful for every new beginning and even more grateful for the conscious awareness that I feel now, which allows me to re-tell and re-live each facet of myself, so that where necessary I can forgive, give permission to and love unconditionally all the parts of me that make me me.
Life can not happen before it happens. I could not be where I am today without being where I was and even more importantly, without reflecting on where, when, why and how I was. I will never have all of the answers but I can let go of pain, confusion and uncertainty. I can become more mindful of my present self and hopefully as a result enjoy more of who I am and be proud of what I bring to the world. No longer will I be waiting for my better self to arrive. I am here.